NU vs Merrimack: A Satirical Preview

(Disclaimer: this article is purely a piece of satire produced by a Friend of the Blog. The content produced by this article, and from this author in particular should never be taken seriously and do not reflect the opinions of the Northeastern Hockey Blog.)

Hello college hockey fans.

Look at your team.

Now back to mine.

Now back to your team.

Now back to mine.

Sadly, your team isn’t mine. But if your team stopped trying to play basketball and started to play like a true HOCKEY team, they could be like mine. So gather round, ladies and gents, while I tell you all about the fun and exciting game of Northeastern hockey vs. *squints at notes* *adjusts glasses* Merrimack. Again. Really, Joe Bertagna? Couldn’t, you know, sprinkle in a bit of like USNDT or something? We have to play these guys again? *rubs front of nose* okay, fine…….

For those of you that don’t know, Merrimack is a minimally-respectable institution for the criminally insane located HERE.

A quick google search of the word “Merrimack” and you get such predictive searches as “pharmaceuticals”, “outlet mall”, and “county savings bank” before the word “college”. I mean, just look at the yellow-clad man in the picture way at the top. This school is the “Eli Manning Face” of college hockey.

Image result for eli manning face

Regardless of these facts, let’s get down to brass tacks here. Northeastern is playing them for the 78th time in the last 80 overall games*^. They have outscored the Warriors by a combined total of 3289429234-2*.

*trust my facts on this, I’m a doctor.

^aside from 2 games in a tournament which Northeastern won, yet a certain school in Burlington said “AH NO YOU DON’T” and declared themselves the winner anyway.

So aside from analyzing the fancy stats, teams, players, mascots, and amount of “that’s a school?”s said after saying the name of said institutions, I decided to take a look at the IMPORTANT things regarding this game. Let’s take a look, shall we:

Excitement Factor for this game: One out of a potential five stars. Northeastern is a good hockey team. Merrimack is not. There will be no fans at this game as Northeastern students are still on break and Merrimack has an enrollment roughly the size of Nahant, MA, also known as the pimple of the north shore and home to a drug-addict filled beach. The one redeeming quality is that Northeastern is unveiling a video board the size of Merrimack’s entire campus at this game, so if you like screen time and taking the charm out of billion year old buildings, then COME ON DOWN!!!!!

What beer will I be drinking during this game: Michelob Ultra. This is the Merrimack of beers. It’s a beer that screams to the heavy hitters of the light beer industry “look guys, I’m one of you! I deserve to be respected!” when in reality the only people that care about it, like Merrimack hockey, are middle aged  women going through their second divorce and looking to skinny themselves up for the good ol’ Tinder machine.

An old youtube clip to help you get through this monotonous game:

Anyone else remember the mindless hours spent in the backseat of your parents car tossing hundreds of hours into Pokemon blue wandering aimlessly through the power plant trying to find Electabuzz only to realize that it’s a red exclusive Pokemon and you’ve wasted your 20s on this game? Then you come to realize you don’t know what it’s like to bond with another human soul and resort to video comedy for some semblance of laughter and brightness in this dull world? No? Merrimack fans do. That guy in the video is actually Merrimack great Kyle Bigos**.

**once again, trust me, I’m a doctor here

Fun Fact about the Opponent: Merrimack College was originally called The Augustinian College of the Merrimack Valley. The Augustinian people were named for someone called Augustine of Hippo. Merrimack College of Hippos is a much more fun and exciting name for this particular institution. Here’s a mock logo you might want to consider, Merrimack brass:

Did you know a group of hippos is called a Dash? It’s cause we’re gonna Dash the Merrimack Hippos’ hopes at victory lololololololol.

Fun Fact in General: Did you know pirates wore all those gold earrings because they believed it helped with their eyesight? Me neither! No idea why they had those parrots though. Wouldn’t they… know…..relieve themselves on your shoulder? Unless they thought it was good luck? Someone ask Johnny Depp and get back to me.

So there you have it, folks. Everything that’s fit to write about this game that hasn’t already been said from a hockey standpoint. It’s the third matchup of the season against these guys, what else could you ask for?

I’m on a horse.Z